journalingtools

summer solstice–

what’s going on?

hummingbirds buzz by me. dog leash clinks. remi bear playing with wooden blocks and bolts and washers.

at the cabin. in the cabin groove. over did it at the cabin on first day.

cabin is my teacher.

no perfect line in precision painting.

no weekends of perfect marital communication at the cabin.

no way to clean brushes unless we use precious rain barrel water.

no way to get uncomfortable greasy weighted hair clean without turning on generator for a few hours so we can have hot shower water.

have to say something when partner says something that hurts.

pushed my body so hard that i could barely walk from tight quads and hamstrings the next day.

keep replaying lady’s comment at unwind studio about my makeup–lipstick and hat. she said I looked southern. i thought comment was inappropriate for front desk person who i just met. why is it bothering me so much?

why do i keep coming back to it? keeps pinching my soul.

little bear forgets to wear shoes and gets a huge splinter on bottom of heel. hurts like hell to extract and i have to give my love energy, primal womb energy to calm him.

a parenting milestone between drew and i for sure.

maybe it’s a cultural thing at unwind. i find nm to be pretty accepting, so i was caught off guard. i gave an upbeat response, just to show my confidence. but i guess it’s okay to say right now–i didn’t like it. it didn’t feel good. why?

was it a trigger? is it intrusive?

I later found out that the front desk lady who commented on my appearance was a substitute for Ashley, the yoga teacher I had come to practice with that day. maybe my expectations were high to see Ashley and i was jolted out of this fantasy and faced with what was real–a new teacher trying to get to know me. i end up loving the substitute’s class by the way, and i feel she was kind of nosy.

it jolted some of my core chakra stuff–my confidence and self-esteem stuff–body issues maybe. this is my work, and, also it hurt.

mom also had a TENDER solar plexus chakra.

there i said it.

i’m holding space for you Maggie right now. you are loved and admired and adored and worthy of your monarch butterfly kingdom. i’m sorry and you belong. yes, you belong, and her saying that made you feel like maybe you didn’t. and you do. you tried a new thing and you loved it. and you can go back. i’m proud of you. you responded very gracefully and with composure and poise and clarity and even joy! you also used humor and didn’t take any negative bait, and now we can see it punctured your solar plexus a little. that’s okay. we know that is one of your tender spots.

i love you and i’m not going anywhere. i’m here for you.