journaltotheself

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Feeling triggered when you care for others

When caring for your spouse triggers past memories of caretaking co-dependence . . .

Notice, feel what it coming up, process by journaling or talking with someone, and begin to see the glimmers of change.

Maybe this time, you’re not on eggshells.

Maybe this time, you self-advocate for your own needs even when caring for a spouse.

Maybe this time you know you can be healing and experiencing grief at the same time. 

I was feeling some kind of way this weekend when my husband got sick. On the outside I was asking him what he needed. On the inside, I was like “nooooo!” I can’t be that wife who loses herself when taking care of someone she loves (like I did, co-dependently, in my first marriage). 

I took to the page and wrote a letter to this caretaking Maggie, the one who can still maintain her sense of self—her sense of creative activity, gentle boringness, depth of processing in solitude. 

Here are some sentence starters to get you started if you feel like caring for others brings up waves of complicated grief . . .

—Dear Caretaking  . . . [in gentle, soothing, nurturing voice . . . ]

—I see you . . .

—I notice you’re triggered when . . .

—And I also see a change in you because . . .

—I notice you are doing things differently this time because . . .

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Tool share: What’s going on?

Journaling Tool Share ::: “What’s going on?” are three little words found in the Journal to the Self card deck by Kathleen Adams. Adams writes that these three little words are one of the most versatile, rugged, and simple journaling prompts you can use. And I use them a lot! When my soul keeps feeling “pinched”–I know something is nagging at me that I should probably pay attention to. When I keep getting annoyed at small things, I know it’s time to pay attention. When things begin to “build up” in my brain and I start keeping track of offenses, I know it’s time to check-in with my soul. “What’s going on, Maggie?” This prompts lets me “clear my head” and then dive deeper into what’ really bothering me. It lets me honor whatever feeling I’ve had that I haven’t been able to articulate but has just lived in my body. It feels like a letter I receive in the mail. I get to open it and learn what is really going on with me. Once I know, I can pay attention to triggers, I can send specific prayers to myself, I can talk to my therapist, and I can explore my core self–not some self that tries to cover up what is hurting or doesn’t feel good. To read an example, check out my latest blog on my web site (bio in link > then navigate to blog)—“Journal Entry, Summer Solstice 2025.” Ask yourself: “What’s going on?” and accept the invitation to explore your core self. Sending Love from New Mexico, friends!

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Journal entry, Summer Solstice, 2025

summer solstice–

what’s going on?

hummingbirds buzz by me. dog leash clinks. remi bear playing with wooden blocks and bolts and washers.

at the cabin. in the cabin groove. over did it at the cabin on first day.

cabin is my teacher.

no perfect line in precision painting.

no weekends of perfect marital communication at the cabin.

no way to clean brushes unless we use precious rain barrel water.

no way to get uncomfortable greasy weighted hair clean without turning on generator for a few hours so we can have hot shower water.

have to say something when partner says something that hurts.

pushed my body so hard that i could barely walk from tight quads and hamstrings the next day.

keep replaying lady’s comment at unwind studio about my makeup–lipstick and hat. she said I looked southern. i thought comment was inappropriate for front desk person who i just met. why is it bothering me so much?

why do i keep coming back to it? keeps pinching my soul.

little bear forgets to wear shoes and gets a huge splinter on bottom of heel. hurts like hell to extract and i have to give my love energy, primal womb energy to calm him.

a parenting milestone between drew and i for sure.

maybe it’s a cultural thing at unwind. i find nm to be pretty accepting, so i was caught off guard. i gave an upbeat response, just to show my confidence. but i guess it’s okay to say right now–i didn’t like it. it didn’t feel good. why?

was it a trigger? is it intrusive?

I later found out that the front desk lady who commented on my appearance was a substitute for Ashley, the yoga teacher I had come to practice with that day. maybe my expectations were high to see Ashley and i was jolted out of this fantasy and faced with what was real–a new teacher trying to get to know me. i end up loving the substitute’s class by the way, and i feel she was kind of nosy.

it jolted some of my core chakra stuff–my confidence and self-esteem stuff–body issues maybe. this is my work, and, also it hurt.

mom also had a TENDER solar plexus chakra.

there i said it.

i’m holding space for you Maggie right now. you are loved and admired and adored and worthy of your monarch butterfly kingdom. i’m sorry and you belong. yes, you belong, and her saying that made you feel like maybe you didn’t. and you do. you tried a new thing and you loved it. and you can go back. i’m proud of you. you responded very gracefully and with composure and poise and clarity and even joy! you also used humor and didn’t take any negative bait, and now we can see it punctured your solar plexus a little. that’s okay. we know that is one of your tender spots.

i love you and i’m not going anywhere. i’m here for you.

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June workshop: It was a time when . . .

 

Sweet friend~

I’m preparing for the upcoming June 14 workshop by looking back at my stepping-stones journal entries. The instructions said:

  • Imagine your life as a stream that you have to cross.

  • Imagine you are standing on one bank, and you need to get to the other side.

  • You see several stones in the stream. You cannot step on each one of them.

  • You will only choose to step on the stones that feel right for you.

Which stones did you select? The flat and large stones that made you feel secure? Or ones that were pointed and jagged and made you feel excitement? Or the cool-looking rocks that had some slippery bits?

These are your stepping stones, the moments in your life when you felt “things will never be the same again.” They are the places you paused. They are the events that influenced who you are today.

Kathleen Adams in Journal to the Self writes “They are simply the markings that are significant to us as we reconstruct the movement of our life” from its beginning to this present moment.

As I reread my stepping-stones list, I recall how I became the person I am today. I can see a path of moments (for me, they were moments of crying with family members) that made me the gentle warrior I am today—a regulated, restored, blooming being. The list helps me imagine a future with my son where crying is normalized and not shunned or despised. I revisit these scenes from my life not out of shame anymore, but as evidence that I was processing, I was living consciously, I was learning how to understand how my body spoke to me.

Next circle at Maggie’s place

DIY Journaling Tools

🛠

Two of my classmates at The Center for Journal Therapy love to share journaling prompts, so I’m delighted to share them with you:

  • “K” at Pen Light (a poetry friend) has created a booklet of prompts to “Write Away Stress”—one prompt a day for a month. Comment on her IG post to get her booklet.

  • Jennifer at Journal Your Path (and my birthmark buddy) has free content on Substack, and lots of journaling goodies, including prompts for spring cleaning, prompts based on inspirational quotes, and “What’s Your Birthmark?”—prompts to embrace your differences and unique identity.

If you feel safe doing so, expand your journaling practice by trying these prompts on your own!

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Shedding old stories

What stories do you tell yourself? Do they serve you in some positive way?

Before I transformed self hate into self love, I told myself a story that I wasn’t beautiful. This message eventually rang false, and I let go of that story.

Before I knew my parents were doing the best they could, I told myself I was wounded. I eventually was tired of being a split person reduced to only two sides (wounded by parents or hopeful I would be loved the way I needed to be), and I let this old story go.

Before I realized I created the deep and beautiful roots of my own story, I didn’t set personal or emotional boundaries. Now I know how and this is part of my reinvented story.

What stories can you let go of? What stories can you add?

Here’s a “Captured Moment” journaling tool share to add a story of success to your memory:

“I still remember the pride I felt when I came in second in the 5th grade Reading Olympics. It felt great because I wanted it (an actual reward for reading!) from the inside out. What is an inside-out success (tiny or huge) you’ve savored? Write its story in 7 – 10 minutes. Read back and reflect. 

Prompt taken from the Journal to the Self card deck by Kathleen Adams.